


Bernie the Thirteenth

by theianitor



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Crack-ish, Horror Tropes, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:16:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8352355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theianitor/pseuds/theianitor
Summary: It's a moonlit night, and six colleagues and friends find themselves in grave danger. They have to escape, or try to defeat an ancient evil force. But how do you defeat someone who cannot die - or is already dead? What is he after? And what is up with the shoes?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skellingfish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skellingfish/gifts).



> There are tropes here, so many tropes... Just having a bit of fun with it all. :) Title inspired by Friday the Thirteenth.

Jenson was just about to fall asleep when he heard it. There was somebody talking downstairs. He sat up, listening closely for any little sound. The smallest scraping of shuffling feet could be heard outside, then suddenly, a loud ‘bonk’. At first he thought it might have been Nico, he had his own key... but surely he would have called first. He checked his phone to make sure he hadn’t missed a message, and there was another ‘bonk’. It sounded like someone was dragging something up the stairs.

He got out of bed, wrapping the duvet around his hips and slowly making his way to the door. Just when he had started thinking he had imagined the whole thing he heard another little shuffle, another ‘bonk’, and a wheezy sigh. Fear tingled up his spine. There was somebody in his house, probably a burglar – a burglar that might be armed. Hoping to startle them, he took a slow, steadying breath before wrenching the door open.

There was nobody there. Jenson looked left and right, and then he heard another little shuffle and a ‘bonk’, much louder this time since it wasn’t muffled by the door. He looked over at the stairs.

There was a stooped, goblin-like creature about two-thirds up the stairs. There was something in its hands, like a staff or a cane, and that’s what kept making the bonking-noises. The creature slowly looked up and in the light filtering in from the full moon outside the hair on its head shone white. Huge eyes flashed silvery bright, aimed straight for him, and Jenson squinted into the darkness as the creature took another step up, pulling the staff-like thing with it.

‘Bonk’.

Wheeze.

Jenson’s eyes widened. He recognized that wheeze. He’d had to listen to the foul thing throughout his career. He knew who this creature was.

“Bernie..?”

As he turned his head the light bounced off his glasses again. The ancient, wrinkled face was shaded roughly by the moonlight as its features twisted into a leer. It looked like a low-budget Halloween mask, but in the middle of the night, uninvited in his house, dragging what he now saw was an axe up the stairs, Jenson had to admit it was a pretty terrifying sight. Bernie reached out his hand towards him.

“Beeehhhrrr... niiiiiih.” The sound was like dry leaves blowing across pavement, the kind of voice that made you feel like clearing your throat. Bernie took another step and Jenson realized he was wearing house slippers.

“Bernie, what are you doing here?” He moved closer. Maybe Bernie needed help of some sort? At the sound of his name Bernie’s head snapped up to look at him again, his joints creaking. He started pulling the axe up onto his shoulder.

“Is there someone I can call for you..?”

The axe came down right in front of his face and hit the floor with a loud ‘thunk’, wood splintered as the weapon embedded itself between his feet and Jenson looked on, completely stunned, as Bernie hopped up to grab the handle of the axe to try to pull it loose. If he hadn’t just tried to kill him, Jenson would have laughed at how Bernie’s legs dangled as he yanked and struggled, all the while hissing out foul words.

Thinking he’d better restrain Bernie, who had obviously gone insane, Jenson threw his duvet over the little man. He was just about to grab a hold of him when Bernie wriggled, making the duvet slip out of Jenson’s hands.

“Bollocks,” the duvet said as it hit the top step.

Jenson watched on, wincing with each hit, as Bernie rolled and bounced down the stairs in a bundle of cursing bed linen. The lump stilled at the foot of the stairs and Jenson walked down to check on him, carefully lifting the corner of the fabric.

The duvet was empty.

 

He looked around but there was no sign of the horrid little man. Jenson rushed upstairs and got dressed in record time, grabbing the bag he hadn’t unpacked since Japan. He got in the car and when he was at the end of the drive he saw his house in the rear view mirror. In the doorway stood Bernie Ecclestone, looking at him for a second before he started shuffling slowly after him. Jenson briefly wished McLaren could develop something like this car for the track, because he didn’t think he had _ever_ driven so fast. When town lights gave way to country dark he picked up his phone.

“Jense,” the familiar voice answered happily after just one ring, “are you having trouble sleeping because...”

“Nico, please, are you in your apartment by the factory?” Jenson interrupted.

“Yes? Jenson what’s going on, you sound strange.”

“I’m in the car I’m coming over,” Jenson rushed the words out, blowing through a crossing and already on his way to the apartment Nico rented near the Mercedes headquarters. He hadn’t given a single thought to what he would do if Nico wasn’t there.

“Jense, what...”

“I’ll explain when I get there, look, don’t open the door for anyone but me, okay? I’ll see you soon.” He hung up and turned his phone off.

 

\--

 

“Je-ev.” The voice was high-pitched and grating, singing Jev’s name. He looked away from the TV but saw nobody. He turned back to the movie in time to see the protagonist do away with a badguy with his shotgun.

“Jev!” The voice sounded again, still high-pitched but this time his name came out short, like a pained cough. Jev turned around again.

“Daniel, stop it,” he said to the empty room. “It is not funny.”

“It’s not Daniel, it’s me, Bernie.” Jev turned around fully and now he saw a little figure peeking out of the bathroom. The familiar glasses, a slack, open mouth, and a mop of stark white hair. Jev stared at it.

“I have some funny business I want to get into.” The figure rubbed its hands together.

“Daniel, do you want to ever have sex again?”

“Come on Jev, that’s not fair,” Daniel said in his normal voice, stepping out from the bathroom and brandishing the Bernie-puppet at him. “You just don’t joke about things like that.”

Jev was just about to argue that anyone wanting sex would do best to not mention Bernie Ecclestone when there was a knock on the door. Daniel and Jev looked at each other before Jev got up with a sigh and went to open it.

 

At first he thought it had been a prank, someone knocking and then running away, because he couldn’t see anyone. Then he heard a little noise, like the last air being squeezed out of a balloon. He looked down and his first thoughts were that the hand-puppet and the real Bernie had exactly the same shockingly white mop of hair, and the real Bernie had surprisingly shiny shoes. Then everything happened in a flash.

“Close the door, close the door!” Daniel shouted from somewhere behind him, and when Jev didn’t move instantly the Aussie leapt past him and slammed the door shut. The bang of the door was instantly followed by a loud clanging as the shovel Bernie had been holding high, poised to strike, collided with the wood.

“What is..?”

“We have to get out of here.” Daniel looked scared, but determined.

“I don’t under-...” Jev started, but he was interrupted by a loud clang that rang out from the door.

“Didn’t you see the eyes?” Jev just shook his head.

“Evil,” Daniel hissed like it explained everything. “Alright, follow my lead.”

Daniel pushed Jev over to the side of the door and silently gestured for him to be quiet. He counted down the seconds, nodding his head. When he heard the muffled sound of shoes against the carpet outside he quickly pulled the door open.

With the shovel raised above his head Bernie toppled forward across the threshold into the room. Daniel roughly grabbed the front of Jev’s shirt and pulled him out into the hallway before slamming the door shut behind them. Breathing hard, he turned to Jev, who was staring at the door.

“You okay mate?”

“You...” Jev started, looking at Daniel and then back at the door again. “You locked Bernie in our room.”

“Yeah, now we have a chance to get away.”

“He’s in our room. With all our things!”

Daniel looked down. They were both in sweatpants and t-shirts. Daniel was barefoot and Jev had socks on, but neither had shoes. Daniel also still had the silly puppet on his hand.

“Ah. Right.”

There was a scraping noise from the door and the handle shook.

“He’s coming out, run!” Daniel shouted, and they both took off down the hallway.

 

They had only gotten a few steps when Jean-Eric tripped on the edge of the carpet and flew forward, landing on his hands and knees.

“Fuck!” Daniel yelled, jumping back and pushing Jev out of the way just as the shovel swooshed past, clanging into the floor. He yanked Jev’s arm and clumsily got him to his feet and they stumbled for a few steps before taking off at a run again. Behind them Bernie was trying with all his might to lift the shovel.

“Bollocks,” he creaked.

“How did he get here so fast?” Jev shrieked as Daniel pulled him along down the hall.

“Have you ever even seen a scary movie?!” Daniel shouted back, incredulous. “You tripped, of course he caught up!”

He threw the window at the end of the hall open and climbed out onto the fire escape. Their feet made very little noise against the metal steps but it was cold and sharp. Jev bit the inside of his cheek to keep from wincing and Daniel had his fists balled up tight in concentration. They both gasped at the sensation of taking that last step, ending up on the cold, dewy lawn below.

“What do we do now?” Jev asked. Daniel looked around.

“We get as far away from here as we can.” He reached out his hand and Jev took it, hesitantly. “Let’s try to get a ride.”

They started walking towards the road. It was completely empty in both directions and it was very dark outside, the only light coming from the hotel behind them and the full moon shining above.

“It could take a very long time before a car comes...” Jev’s teeth were beginning to chatter from the chill of his wet socks.

“No, look, there’s one!” Daniel said, pointing at the approaching lights. He stepped up onto the road and waved his arms in the air.

“What are you doing?” Jev tried to get a hold of him to pull him back. “It could be _him_!”

“Seriously mate, do you watch any horror at all? He’s back _there_ , he’s not going to magically appear in a car.”

“But in the hall...” Jev started to argue.

“Yeah but you _tripped_.”

The car slowed to a halt and Daniel went over to the passenger side door.

“Thanks for stopping, we... Jenson?!”

“Dan?! What are you..?”

“No time to explain, wherever you’re going, we’re coming with.” Daniel helped Jev into the car. They were quiet for a little while before Jenson spoke up again.

“So... what are you doing by the side of the road in the middle of the night?”

“You’re not going to believe this but...”

 

To Daniel’s surprise Jenson believed him without question. As they sped toward Nico’s apartment Dan tried to remember the plot of every horror movie he had ever seen. He bit his lip and looked down at his hands and it felt like the solution was right in front of him, he just couldn’t quite think of it.

 

\--

 

Nico tried to call Jenson back but it went straight to voicemail. Oh well. He had said he was coming over and it had sounded like he was already in the car, so Nico made his way to the bedroom and pulled the sheets off the bed. Humming to himself he put out fresh sheets and made the bed nicely, making sure the covers were good and straight. When he was satisfied he took a fresh t-shirt out of the wardrobe, and after a seconds hesitation he also took out a pair of black silk pajama pants. Pleased with his selections he headed for the shower.

He turned the shower on to allow the water to get warm while he undressed, and soon the mirror was all steamed up. Stepping inside he couldn’t help but let out a pleased sigh, it was wonderfully warm, and the thought of Jenson coming over soon made him smile as he pulled the shower curtain closed.

Tilting his head back he wet his hair and lathered it up, still humming the same song as before. Satisfied the lather was all gone he turned around, looking at the myriad of bottles on the shelf in the shower. As he chose a fancy French soap in a little black bottle he could have sworn he heard the bathroom door open. He stopped and listened but heard nothing more.

Turning again he let the water cascade down his back as he rubbed a dollop of soap to luxurious foam in his hands. Slowly he soaped up his arms, moving to his neck before sliding his hands down his chest. The subtle scent of the soap was pleasant and he closed his eyes, letting his hands roam down his stomach.

A loud squeak echoed through the bathroom and Nico’s eyes shot open.

“Jense?” he called.

“Beehrn... iiiiih...”

Nico tore the curtain aside and only just managed to jump out of the way without slipping as Bernie slashed at the shower curtain with a large knife. The little man slowly turned towards Nico, the knife still in his hand, and strangely Nico couldn’t help but notice Bernie was wearing flip-flops.

 

Nico shrieked. The noise seemed to startle Bernie slightly but he raised the knife to strike again. Still screaming, Nico ripped the shower curtain down and it landed mostly on top of the murderous multi-billionaire.

“Bollocks,” Bernie wheezed. The arm holding the knife came down but it seemed he didn’t have the strength to cut through the plastic – he just trapped himself even further. Nico let out another blood-curdling scream and gave Bernie a shove, sending him to the floor with the curtain wrapped around him.

Nico only dimly heard a crash from out in the apartment but he couldn’t think about that now, instead he grabbed for the nearest hard thing he could find and started pounding the struggling plastic pile, which was now spitting out curses in a raspy voice. He kept beating and beating until Jenson suddenly appeared in the door.

“Nico, let’s go!”

Nico froze, staring at him, the wooden back-scrubber still raised above his head. He gave the stationary bundle another whack and got out of the shower, falling into Jenson’s open arms.

“He... had... a... knife... and...”

“Shh, shh Nico, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

“I... killed Bernie...” Nico sobbed into his shoulder. Jenson cast a wary glance at the plastic heap.

“Get dressed, quick as you can. I think we should get out of here.” Nico pulled on his black pajama-pants and once he was safely out of the bathroom, Jenson cautiously poked the shower curtain with his foot. There was nothing but plastic there.

 

Nico was shocked enough that he didn’t react to Jev and Daniel already being in the car when they got to it. Daniel had moved into the back seat and they all said hello to each other, but then silence fell as Jenson drove off.

Nico didn’t speak until they had already driven for about half an hour.

“Where are we going?” he asked, looking at an unfamiliar name on a street sign.

“Fernando and Mark’s.” At Nico’s quizzical look he went on. “It was the only place I could think of.”

“Jense... I killed Bernie.”

“No, Nico, you didn’t.”

Nico gave him a confused look.

“I beat him to death in my bathroom. I’m not crazy, that _was_ Bernie.”

 

Jenson tried to explain the events that had taken place at his own house and when neither Daniel nor Jev spoke he tried to convey their story too. Nico ended up just sitting there, thoughtfully biting his lip. Despite the situation, Jenson couldn’t help but think he was absolutely gorgeous. His hair was drying and falling into his eyes, and those black silk pajama pants had seemingly been made to make Nico’s legs and ass look even better than usual. It didn’t exactly hurt that he was shirtless either. Jenson shook his head in an attempt to clear out the inappropriate thoughts.

“The hot blonde.” Daniel suddenly said from the back seat.

“What?” Jenson asked.

“He’s the hot blonde!” Daniel said, a little louder. He quickly turned towards Nico and stared at him.

“The blonde!” he repeated, waving his hand at him. “Are you trying to get yourself killed mate? Put a shirt on!”

“I didn’t have time to bring a...”

“Jenson, your jacket!” Daniel yelled, frantically gesturing between Nico and Jenson. “Give him your jacket or he’ll _die_!”

Jenson was about to protest when a stooped, wrinkled figure appeared in front of them at the side of the road. There was a hard thunk as Jenson swerved and hit either Bernie himself or whatever it was he had swung against the car. Jev swore in French, Nico screamed, and Daniel started yelling from the back seat again.

“Nico, take the wheel! Jenson, get your jacket off and give it to Nico or we’ll all get killed!”

After a bit of skillful maneuvering, Jenson managed to get his jacket off and Nico pulled it on, grateful for the warmth against his bare skin. Everyone was quiet again.

 

“Did he say anything to you? Him, I mean. Before you..?” Nico asked after the silence had stretched on a while. Jenson tried to think.

“I think he might have said his name.”

“He did that to me too, you know.” Nico nodded.

“Oui, with us also,” Jev said, sounding confused.

“But he sounded all... groany,” Daniel filled in.

“Maybe...” Nico seemed a little worried about voicing his thoughts on the matter. “Maybe Bernie was already dead?”

“You mean he’s like... a zombie?”

“Yeah.”

“Well how long has he been dead then?” Jenson asked, thinking back to the last times he had met Bernie. “And how the hell were we supposed to know?”

 

\--

 

“Mark?”

Mark stirred, but only just. He was having a nice dream and something – someone – saying his name was intruding on it. He opened his eyes just a fraction and was instantly wide awake. Hovering above him was the horribly wrinkled, unmistakable face of Bernie Ecclestone. Using some of his best Australian curses Mark struck out, flailing his arms and legs. Then he heard the laughter.

“Fucksakes Nando you’re gonna give me a heart attack!”

Fernando was laughing so hard he was bent double. Mark let him have a moment before he snatched the puppet off his hand and slapped him over the head with it.

“Why do you have the scary puppet?” Fernando asked, drying his eyes. Mark was just about to answer when there was a racket from outside. It sounded like their trashcans being knocked over.

“What the hell was that?”

There was a hard knocking on the door and since Mark was already a little agitated he swung it wide open. He was about to say something rude when Jenson, Nico, Jev, and Daniel all fell into the house.

“What in the...”

Behind them, out on the street, Fernando could clearly see a figure under one of the streetlamps. It was pale and ancient-looking and the lamp above made the glasses glow like tiny spotlights.

“Close the door!” he shouted, and Mark obeyed without question.

 

It took them a while to explain what had happened. Mark just looked from one to the next as they spoke, in more and more disbelief. Fernando asked a few questions but mostly listened, nodding to himself now and then.

“Daniel!” Jev suddenly said, grabbing Daniel’s arm. “Can he get in here? What do the movies say?”

“The movies?” Nico asked, but Daniel ignored him.

“He... could be able to get in here,” Daniel said thoughtfully, “like if the power goes out or someone goes to check the back door. Or if we all fall asleep, that’d do it.”

“Do not worry, it cannot come in here,” Fernando dismissed. “We have protection.”

“You do?” Jenson and Jev said together.

“We do?” Mark asked. Fernando shook his head at him.

“Mark, I could not live in a naked house. Has to be protected. What did you think I put on the fence when we build it, hm?”

Mark could clearly remember Fernando walking around the perimeter of their yard with a little bag in his hand and muttering to himself, but he had always just thought it was something to mark where they would put the fence up.

“I dunno, I didn’t think it was anything special. So what was it?”

“Blessed salt,” Fernando said with a smile, “you must have salt, or evil can take you over.”

Everyone just looked at him. Mark decided to ignore every part of this that he couldn’t understand, and go for what was logical.

“Why did you knock our bins over?” Everyone looked at someone else; they had just spotted Bernie when they got out of the car and it had put everything else out of their minds.

“They’re fixing the sidewalk outside,” Jenson said after thinking it through.

“It was Daniel. There was a sign _and_ a red cone and of course he missed it and was about to walk right in to the wet cement.” Jev rolled his eyes.

“Yeah and you pushed me into the bins mate.”

 

They kept bickering and Jenson turned to Mark.

“The important thing is we’ve all almost been killed by Bernie tonight, and... I mean he didn’t die from falling down the stairs at my house, or when Nico wailed on him.”

Mark ran his hands through his hair.

“Yeah, I didn’t think anything could be creepier than that bloody doll but that does take the cake.”

Jenson shot him a dark look and Nico patted his back consolingly. Then his face grew thoughtful.

“Wait... doll,” he said, “do you mean the hand puppets?”

“Yeah mate, DC thought it’d be hilarious if we all had puppets and I got stuck with the Bernie one.”

“... I got one from the stand outside the track,” Daniel said, seemingly talking to himself.

“I got two. Was gonna give one to Nico,” Jenson said, looking puzzled.

“Because there is something seriously wrong with your head,” Nico muttered, crossing his arms.

“The puppets are maybe cursed,” Fernando said, nodding to himself.

“There was only the one left when I bought mine mate, there must be hundreds of them out there!”

“But... there were only two left when I...” Jenson said thoughtfully.

“Cursed puppets,” Fernando said with more determination. Mark gave him a skeptical look.

“What?” Fernando snapped. “You have better explanation? Is not so strange, cursed puppets. My grandmother... never mind.”

Everyone was quiet for a second, wondering if they dared ask about Fernando’s grandmother. Jev finally broke the silence.

“What are we going to do?” Fernando looked pleased with himself.

“Is very easy, we have to destroy the puppets.” Mark took a breath as if to speak but Fernando cut in before him. “Fire works best I think.”

“Will that make Bernie normal again?” Daniel asked.

“Normal? Mate, I don’t see the difference.” Mark shrugged.

“That’s mean,” Daniel snickered.

“No, Mark is right,” Fernando said, nodding. “Bernie is just himself, full of evil.” His eyes widened as he realized something.

“Is not just the puppets,” he said in a low voice. “Are not just cursed. Is Bernie too! People enjoy the puppets, he cannot stand it... we have to get rid of him too.”

“... we have to... kill... Bernie?” Nico’s voice was small and nervous and Jenson put his arms around him, pulling him close. Jev and Daniel both looked a little spooked too.

“Maybe not kill,” Fernando said, choosing his words carefully. “Have an idea...”

 

\--

 

They went over the plan twice before putting it into action. Mark quickly got the fire pit lit and they stood in a circle around it as the flames rose from the stack of logs.

“So... we just chuck ‘em in?” Mark asked, holding his Bernie-puppet in a firm grip.

“Si. On three.”

They counted together and Daniel, Jenson, Nico, and Mark threw their puppets into the fire. For a few seconds the flames lapped at the dolls as if tasting them, then the reaction was almost explosive. The white doll-hair fizzled and hissed, and the fabric burned so hot they had to step back. A thick smoke that smelled strongly of mothballs spread, stinging their eyes. Suddenly, a cry sounded in the distance, unlike anything any of them had heard before. It was like the howl of a wounded animal combined with nails on a chalkboard and the shriek of bad brakes.

“He is coming,” Fernando said, “now, we end it.”

 

\--

 

Jev was standing in front of the house. He could see Daniel and Jenson hiding behind a nearby bush but he still felt incredibly exposed just standing there, holding his socks.

Finally, Bernie appeared, out of breath like he had been running. In reality he was just dragging his feet in over-large wellington boots. He had a hammer in his hands and Jev thought that if Bernie had brought the shovel, he would have had to trip again or the old man would never reach him.

Even at this distance Jev could hear Bernie’s breathy calls of his own name, interspersed with curse words he couldn’t really understand.

“Is this what you are looking for?” He shouted, and waved the sodden socks. Bernie’s head followed the movement, albeit a little slowly.

“Beeeeeehrn... iiiiiiiihhh...” the little man reached out his hands for the socks and stumbled forward, his beady little eyes honed in on the floppy piece of cloth in Jev’s hand. He was so focused on the “doll” that he didn’t notice stepping in to the wet cement. He trudged forward another step and a half before looking down. The thick, gray mass was almost at the edge of his wellingtons, meaning it was almost at his knees. He looked up at Jev, then back at his boots. Jev could hear his stiff neck crackling and the noise reminded him of breaking spaghetti. Bernie started turning around like he was trying to get back to the pavement.

“NOW!” Fernando yelled. Daniel and Jenson shot forward and ran to either side of the wet cement. Daniel avoided a slow swing of the hammer by jumping aside and then he grabbed the tool, prying it out of the claw-like, withered hand. Jenson gave Bernie a push and the old man toppled over, falling on his back. He kept sinking but his hand was already below the surface and it seemed he was too weak to lift it.

“Beeehrn.... ih.” He reached for Jev with his free hand. Jev didn’t know why, but he threw his socks down. They hit Bernie with a wet splat and the ancient face lit up in a cruel smile before he saw what it was that had landed on his chest.

“Rake!” Jenson yelled. “Rake him down!”

Mark gave Bernie a push with the rake he was holding and turned it flat side down to rake the cement nice and flat. One last bubble of air plopped out of the goop and burst when Fernando started salting the gray gunk.

“Bollocks.”

“Did... did you hear that?” Nico said, coming out from the house where he had been hiding.

“That’s just air escaping,” Mark said, raking over the little imperfection.

“He always was a windbag,” Jenson said with a wink.

 

And all was well. Fernando made sure to salt the cement now and then. Nobody missed Bernie much, and when DC asked Mark where his puppet had gone he just said he lost it. Daniel never joked about Bernie again, and nobody was happier than Jev. Nico moved in with Jenson because he couldn’t stand to look at the bathroom where he had “killed” Bernie, and Jenson promised to make sure he never had to get dressed to avoid getting murdered ever again.

The only clue to what had happened was that under the full moon, when the wind plays across the ground a certain way, there is a scent of mothballs... and a wheezy little voice can be heard to whisper

“Bollocks.”

 

\- The End -

**Author's Note:**

> All in good fun, as per usual! :)  
> Thanks for the read. <3 Comments and kudos are much loved. ;)


End file.
